It takes a massive amount of courage to write this blog about my PTSD, but I do not want anyone else to sit in the same silence and confusion that I do.
Accepting what was wrong with me was very hard but not unexpected. I noticed that if I was in a stressful situation my hands would slightly shake and I knew my relationship with my husband that my insecurities stemmed deeper than just our relationship. When I went to the doctor she suggested that I see someone for counselling. The counsellors assessed my mood and asked what I would like from this and my response was to have closure and coping techniques.
I am female, 40 years old and I have a lovely, understanding family whom I love dearly. I have recently been diagnosed with PTSD due to major events that have happened in my life.
Major events in my life such as being left with foster carers at the age of 5 who were neglectful and also abusive in different ways. I was left for over a year with these abusive foster carers by my mother whilst she pursued her career.
I have lost people close to me due to fatalities in car accidents and an aeroplane crash. I felt as though I never really grieved as I was trying to be there as a comfort for other people.
All of these events (plus others) have rendered me very insecure, distrusting and with severe confidence issues. I suffer from flash backs and the triggers can range from a song or a television program where I then sit in fear, weak and too frightened to say anything.
As a teenager, I regretfully did attempt twice to take my own life. Unfortunately, when you are the quiet shy one at school the bullies find you an easy target and this only added to my troubles.
I am thankful that both these suicide attempts didn’t work and now I have my own beautiful children. My kids are my world and my overarching goal is to ensure they have a happy and very loving upbringing. My children bring me out of my shell, make me laugh and smile so much and ultimately and give me every reason to be alive and to concentrate on being the best mother I can be to them.
I attend counselling sessions have the courage to face these demons head on and try and move on to a better place. I no longer want these insecurities about myself and want to face the world boldly. As part of the counselling I’m learning how to deal with the flashbacks and to change my mind-set.
If you are suffering in silence with PTSD, this will eat you up from the inside out, quite literally. Emotionally we can only deal with so much before the edges start to fray. Please promise yourself this – that you will seek the help you deserve, as when something awful happens to us we sometimes don’t always have the knowledge and understanding on how to process it and move forwards.
I haven’t moved forward and this is why I am turning to professionals via counselling. Of course it will be hard at times, but I am determined to live life to the full and the main thing is to be happy.
Please take that big step forwards to find happiness, PTSD is treatable and I am now on track to finally find peace and tranquillity.
Notes from the editor: This blogger has chosen to remain anonymous.
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